A Christmas Wish Read online

  Ryan took her into his arms and wrapped her up in his warmth. “Simon wouldn’t want you to do this alone. He loved you and expected to be with you for life.” Ryan held her as he spoke. “I know this. Simon loved you so much, and when you had Billy and Megan he was the happiest married man alive.” He kissed her head.

  Her arms circled his neck as he held her. Her lips pressed against his neck where he was sensitive. Her tongue licked over his pulse, and Ryan’s body surged forward trapping her between the stove and his body. His dick thickened as he pressed against her.

  Ryan held her against him, feeling every curve of her body pressed against his.

  “Touch me, Ryan,” she said. Her words finally registered through the fog of arousal. For years Ryan had fantasized and wished with all of his heart for Jemma to one day say those meaningful words. He’d wanted to be the man she turned to, and his dreams were finally coming true. Running his hands up her back, he moved under her large shirt to feel the smooth flesh of her back. The heat radiated out of her. Ryan couldn’t help but notice how small she was within his arms. She was so fragile and vulnerable even though she was one hell of a curvy woman.

  “I can’t,” Ryan said as his hands went to cup her face looking into her tearstained eyes. It broke his heart to refuse her. Ryan stepped back after giving her one final kiss.

  “Why not?” she asked, crying out.

  Ryan took a step back, trying to compose himself. Jemma was hurting, and he saw she didn’t understand what was going on. He didn’t want a one night stand or to stand in for Simon. He wanted to be the person she loved. The man she craved. He wasn’t going to be a stand-in. Ryan intended to become the man for her to love.

  “I can’t be him, Jemma,” he said. He stared out over the snow covered ground. Who would have thought one of the best days of his life would end like this?

  He heard her move closer to him. He tensed waiting for the touch of her hand on his shoulder. So many times he’d stood at this door, even when Simon was alive, and she’d comforted him.

  Ryan longed to feel her touch, only this time it didn’t come. Ryan turned around and saw her standing close with her hand raised but not actually touching him.

  What did it mean?

  She stared at her hand then at him.

  Ryan could see the indecision. If she were to reach out and touch him, he would still be her friend and that was all they would remain, but if she stayed and placed her hand at her side, they could begin something more. He knew her indecision. Ryan had experienced many moments where he could have taken their relationship from friends to lovers. He didn’t know how long he stood there and waited, but finally she lowered her hand to her side. Her gaze returned to his as she did.

  Ryan moved toward her but stopped as she took a step back, her palm outstretched to stop him from getting any closer.

  He stopped instantly.

  “I—I don’t want you to be Simon. I’ve never wanted you to be him. The children will know and I hope love their father. I understand their need for more. Us? I don’t know. I feel something for you, Ryan, but I don’t understand it. I’m scared, and I’m nervous. I’ve never felt this way before, and I don’t want to hold you down with kids that are not yours!”

  “I don’t care about that, Jemma. I love you, and I love those kids.”

  He watched as Jemma licked her lips looking everywhere but at him. His heart broke as he waited to see what else she wanted to say.

  “If you want to move in, you can. I don’t want to force you. You spend more time here than anywhere else, and Billy and Megan want you here.”

  “Do you want me here?” he asked, dreading the answer yet needing to know the truth.

  “Yes, I do. I care about you, Ryan. I just don’t know if I can give you what you deserve. You deserve a woman who hasn’t been in love before.”

  Ryan started to have hope. He understood her nerves and her conflicting emotions. There was a chance for them if her only fear was of her past feelings with Simon

  “I don’t know if I can give you what you want. I’ve been a wife to your best friend, and a mother for so long. I never thought I’d be at this stage. Widowed and only twenty-five. I’ll get the room set up for you, and I do hope you can find some happiness, Ryan.”

  “I love you, Jemma. I always will,” he called to her retreating back.

  Her back tensed, and she paused by the door, turning back to look at him.

  “I love you, too,” she said.

  Ryan couldn’t believe her words, or at least he knew the love she felt was different to his. After all there were many different kinds of love.

  Chapter Five

  Over the next couple of days, Ryan moved his meager belongings into Jemma’s house. He took the only spare bedroom. Billy and Megan were really excited, and they’d just finished school for the season. Christmas was pretty much in full swing. Snow lay heavy outside, and the delicious smells coming from the kitchen would wake him up as Jemma worked like a mad woman to bake. She was a stay-at-home mother as Simon didn’t want her to go to work. He’d provided for her, and even in death he’d made sure she was taken care of with a small inheritance, so she was able to continue to stay with the children. She prepared cakes, mince pies, and tarts getting everything ready in time for the fair on Christmas Eve. The town’s people would hold a small fair of all the locally cooked food, and Jemma had become well known over the years for her baked goods.

  Ryan helped her wherever he could, usually rolling out pastry or washing up her pans. The kids would go to their grandparents for a couple of hours a day, leaving Ryan and Jemma alone with nothing to amuse them but work and a tense silence.

  During those times they were alone, Ryan felt her gaze on him. It didn’t matter where they were, if they were working together in the kitchen or watching a movie with the kids, he’d feel her stare. He would turn his head, and for a split second his heart would hope as the light would dance behind her eyes. Instead she would get distracted and turn away, breaking the moment.

  He still lived in hope, and he’d love her with all of his heart. Until she was ready, he could wait.

  ****

  Jemma hated hurting Ryan. She wanted to give him everything, and yet she held herself back. What would Simon do if he saw her? What would other people think if she gave herself to her husband’s best friend? She wished she could give him everything he needed, including her love, but her heart was owned by Simon, and she couldn’t just give it away.

  You can’t die inside because Simon is not here.

  Billy, Megan, and Sean broke the tension and created a magical house to be a part of. Without her three angels she wouldn’t know what to do with her time. She used the Christmas fair as a way to keep her mind and hands busy. Jemma couldn’t deny she wanted Ryan on a physical level. Her body came alive whenever he was near, and even her fantasies featured around Ryan. The most dominant one was of him taking her on the kitchen table.

  Her fantasy would start with her in the kitchen at the stove making something as she always seemed to be doing just lately.

  Ryan would enter as he always did, only this time he wouldn’t be wearing a shirt. Those rippling muscles were on display for her to see. She’d smile over at him. He’d stalk toward her, his intention clear. No talking. He’d turn off the stove then pull her shirt out of her pants, tearing it from her body.

  Nothing nice, just hard, rough sex. She didn’t care because the kids were out, and there was no risk of them being interrupted. She’d pull at his jeans while he removed the rest of her clothes.

  He’d kiss and bite her neck and lips, arousing her with each touch. His teeth would graze into the flesh of her tits as he sucked each nipple into his mouth. In her fantasy Ryan would pick her up and place her on the counter. There was no need for foreplay as she was already soaking wet, begging for his cock. He’d align the tip of his cock to her entrance…

  And then she would come out of her fantasy. No matter how much she trie
d to imagine or think nothing would replace what she wanted most. Jemma wanted Ryan. She didn’t know what to do about it. He’d opened up about what he felt, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit her own feelings for her dead husband’s best friend.

  As she walked to pick up the kids she pondered her dilemma. By the time she got to Simon’s parents’ house she still hadn’t come up with a way of talking to Ryan. Jemma knew she should just tell him, but she couldn’t just blurt it out, could she?

  Sighing in frustration, Jemma knocked on the door. She rubbed her numb hands together. She wore gloves, but they didn’t stop the chill biting at her.

  Julie opened the door. Her smile welcomed Jemma. Considering Julie had all three children, the house was silent. The unmistakable scent of shortbread lingered in the air.

  “Come in, sweetie. Granddad is looking after the three kids. Let’s have a chat and catch up. It’s been a while.” Julie led them down and through to the kitchen. In no time at all they were seated, drinking hot chocolate and eating Christmas cake.

  “So, tell me about Ryan.” Julie broached the subject first. Jemma should have expected it. After all Ryan had his own room now.

  “What do you want to know?” she asked.

  “Well, Billy said Ryan had moved in recently and he was going to be their new daddy.”

  Jemma didn’t know what to say or if Julie was having an issue with her moving another man into her husband’s home.

  “He’s in the spare room—” She began to explain, but Julie put her hand up to stop her.

  “I’m not asking. This is not an interrogation. Think of this as more of an intervention. You’re twenty-five years old, a widow with three kids. You’re too young to give up, mourning the death of your husband forever.” Julie stopped to take a sip of her chocolate, and Jemma wouldn’t dream of interrupting her. “Ryan is a good man. I’ve watched that boy grow up with Simon. They were inseparable. I know he loves you. Let’s face it, it would take a man with some backbone to stick around with a woman still mourning the loss of her husband, and three children who weren’t even his own. Now, I loved Simon, still do. He’s my son. He was my only boy and I’ll love him until the day I die, but you’ve got to move on. I’m not going to be one of these mothers-in-law that believe you should be suffering.”

  Jemma didn’t know what to say. “You do realize you’re telling me to move on and with my husband’s best friend.”

  “Dead husband. Simon didn’t deserve to go out like that, God rest his soul, and you know deep down Simon would want you to be happy, even if that meant you would be happy with Ryan,” Julie said.

  Jemma sat back thinking about her mother-in-law had to say.

  “Just promise me you’ll think about it. We want you to be happy. Simon loved you enough to want you to be happy.”

  Jemma couldn’t stop the flow of tears gathering. It hurt but felt good to have Julie telling her this, accepting her into her family where her own had abandoned her.

  “Oh, honey, we only want what is best for you.” She got up out of her chair and moved round to embrace Jemma in a motherly hug.

  Later that night Jemma couldn’t take her eyes off Ryan. She didn’t know what to say to him, and the blush kept coming as he looked at her. Her body responded to him and the power of his touch. She found herself craving him. The odd caress as he moved past her or the way his hands circled her waist.

  It was a few more days to Christmas, and she could wait.

  Chapter Six

  Jemma was cleaning through her wardrobe looking for more presents to wrap when she found a box hidden behind the wall. She pulled the box towards her and saw the dust she must have missed. She frowned because she didn’t recognize it as hers. She pulled it down to the floor. The top was marked “private”, and her curiosity overcame her. She opened up the box.

  She knew, by looking at the contents, it was Simon’s box. There were pictures from his college days, shots of the three of them together her, Ryan, and Simon. Several pictures of their family. She found trinkets they’d collected over the years and finally a collection of books. Taking out the first book she opened the first page.

  The diary of Simon Stein.

  These will be the words I’ve come to appreciate, the good and the bad. For the future you will be my book where I write my most treasured thoughts and to basically rant.

  Jemma chuckled as she imagined Simon writing down every little thing he’d ever thought. She hadn’t had a clue that Simon had kept a diary, and she opened it up, curious. The first date was the day after they had first met.

  September 27th 2004

  Today I met the girl of my dreams. She’s beautiful, charming, and makes my cock hard.

  Jemma sighed but wasn’t surprised at how crass he’d been back then. She’d been eighteen when they’d met.

  Jemma, blonde hair and beautiful brown eyes. I couldn’t talk to her about the way I feel. I don’t even know what I feel yet. I can tell with the ache in my gut I want her for more than just a quick fuck.

  A few months later she passed a few pages.

  I know how much I love her. When I’m not with her, I think of when I’ll see her next. Jemma is in my every waking thought, and I want to be with her forever.

  Jemma remembered how hard she’d fallen and thought the exact same thing.

  My love comes with a price. I’ve seen the way Ryan looks at her. He loves her as much as me. I can tell, and I can see it. What do I do? I love this girl more than life itself, and I love my best friend like a brother. I don’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t live my life without her.

  Jemma couldn’t recall how Ryan was with her back then, but she could remember he was always there. The only time he hadn’t been there was when Simon and she had gone on their honeymoon.

  I didn’t wear a condom last night. I told Ryan I wanted to get Jemma pregnant and what I’d done. He got pissed. Said all kinds of things about me taking the choice away from her. I love Jemma and want to be with her for all my life. I want her to be the mother of my children. What is so wrong with bringing it all sooner? I’m living my dream.

  Jemma stopped reading after that last page. That had been the time she’d gotten pregnant. She’d been scared and alone. Her family hadn’t approved of her relationship with Simon. Jemma loved her children, but she hadn’t wanted to be pregnant as young as she was. At twenty she’d been a wife and a mother, two of the most stressful combinations.

  Scanning the books, she went to the one marked “2010”. The same year he’d been killed. She went to the back of the book. The last entry had been the day he’d been in the accident with a drunk driver.

  I had my first real fight with Jemma today. She’s pregnant with our third child. She wanted to wait for more children. Go to college or get whatever she needs to put her cooking to good use. Instead of waiting, instead of using a condom, I’d gone straight in and knocked her up again. Ryan witnessed her pain and the problems we’re going through. Ryan loves her so much, and I know that if something was to ever happen to me I would want Jemma to be with Ryan.

  He is the only man who could ever love her, Bill, and Megan as much as I do. And I think she would be happy. She may not know it, but she loves Ryan as well. No matter what happens, or how much I fuck up, I love Jemma with all my heart, and I just want her to be happy. Being with Ryan will make her happy.

  It was as if Simon was reassuring her about her developing feelings. She didn’t know if she’d always loved Ryan. She had enjoyed his company immensely, and even now, she still loved being with him. Jemma closed the book smoothing the cover. Her wedding band caught her eye. She twirled the simple band round her finger before she pulled it off completely. She knew in her heart she would always love Simon. He owned part of her heart, but if it had been the other way around she would have wanted Simon to move on.

  Billy, Megan, and Sean were with their grandparents. Christmas Eve was tomorrow, and Jemma had everything ready for the fair.

&nbs
p; Taking the diary downstairs, she found Ryan in the sitting room placing the wrapped presents under the tree.

  “Hey, did you find those other presents?” he asked, placing another one under the tree. He turned to her when she didn’t answer. He looked at the diary in her hand before he looked back at her.

  “Do you know what this is?” she asked.

  He shrugged, placing another present under the tree before he got up. “It’s Simon’s diary.”

  How could he know about Simon’s diary while she’d never even known he kept one?

  “How do you know?”

  “He used to keep one when he was younger and all through college, and I know he kept them. They were his own private thoughts,” Ryan explained.

  “Do you know what he wrote?” Jemma had no clue as to why she was so emotional. The revelations she’d found in the few snippets she’d read had opened her eyes to something more. A part of Simon she’d never known existed. To other women having him plan a pregnancy for the need to be married would be a loving sentiment. To Jemma, she felt robbed of the option to choose for herself.

  “I have a vague idea,” he said.

  Jemma couldn’t cope. She held the diary out to him. “Did you know what he did? What he planned from the start? Did you know he already knew you loved me?” She couldn’t believe that Simon could be so heartless.

  ****

  Ryan jolted at the words spilling from her mouth. He had hoped she never found out, and he knew all too well that Simon had known his feelings for Jemma. They had talked about it once back when Simon told him that he was going to marry Jemma. Ryan hadn’t fought for her then, but he would fight for her now. “What do you want me to say, Jemma? Do you want me to deny my love? To deny my honesty to Simon? I loved him like a brother, and he’s gone. Completely gone and won’t be coming back. You think you were the only one affected by his death? You’re wrong.” Ryan slammed the book down and moved to stand in front of her.